Maple

Let me tell you about MAPLE my DOG. She is a MIXED BREED dog. Her mom is a BRITTANY SPANIEL. Her dad is a BLUE HEELER. That makes her a PAIN IN THE ASS.

Maple is named MAPLE. This is because when she was a PUPPY, she rolled around in MAPLE LEAVES, and LOVED THEM SO MUCH. And also because all animals that I have the privilege of naming must fall under a certain convention, that convention being the commonality of being FOOD RELATED.

Maple is SMART and needs CONSTANT ENRICHMENT. She likes to EAT ROPE. (She is not allowed to eat rope). She also loves FOOD. (She is not allowed to eat most human food).

Maple is a fast runner. She looks like WATER when she RUNS. (Because she is so fast and fluid and purty).

Maple is an EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL (REAL). She provides me with the service of forcing me to FEEL EMOTIONS. EMOTIONS provided by MAPLE include:ANGER, JOY, SADNESS, DISMAY, FEAR, PRIDE, EMBARRASSMENT, JEALOUSY, and JOY (X2!!!!!!).

Maple has accomplished the following MILESTONES over the course of her TWO YEARS of LIFE: jumped out of a MOVING CAR, eaten an already DEAD gopher, eaten an unhealthy amount of CAT FOOD which scared the SHIT out of everyone in her immediate vicinity, CRIED because she wasn't told GOODNIGHT before going to bed, swam across a RIVER, fetched sticks from the OCEAN, drawn HUMAN BLOOD from playing tug of war with her PAWS, and LIED in order to get FOOD.

In conclusion, Maple is my DOG and she is very SWEET and WONDERFUL.